When Everyone Wants to Hold Your Baby: A New Mom’s Take on Setting Boundaries Without Guilt

There’s something I didn’t expect about becoming a parent—just how fiercely protective I would feel over my baby, even when I know the people around me only have the best of intentions. I never imagined I’d struggle so much with the “sharing my baby” dynamic, but here I am. And let me tell you, it’s a lot more complicated than I ever thought it would be.

My daughter is almost three months old now, and with each passing day, my sense of what I’m comfortable with only deepens. One thing that’s surprised me is how reluctant I feel to pass her off to anyone. And I’m not talking about feeling upset when someone else holds her; it’s more the little things—the moments when I feel like I’m constantly expected to share her, even when I just want to hold on to her myself.

Take the holidays, for example. My baby’s first holiday season was a whirlwind—a mix of joy, exhaustion, and a few moments of frustration I wasn’t prepared for. Everyone was so eager to meet her—understandably, she’s the first grandchild on one side of the family—but what I didn’t anticipate was how strongly I’d feel the urge to keep her to myself. The day was long, filled with new faces, new environments, and a lot of people she’d never met before. It was a lot for her little system to process.

And here’s where the struggle began. We had just gotten out of the car when family members started walking toward us, and instead of the warm greetings I expected, I was immediately met with, “Oh, can I hold the baby?” People began passing her around like she was a new toy, and no one seemed to notice she was getting fussy. She needed feeding, or to be settled, or just a little break from all the handling. But the idea of asking for her back felt like it would be an imposition.

I felt like I had to be polite. It was the holidays, after all. I didn’t want to rock the boat, so I went along with it, letting her be passed around. But as the day went on, I couldn’t shake the feeling that I’d lost control of my own baby. It wasn’t just the constant handoffs—it was the overwhelming sense that my role as her mother was being sidelined. When I tried to say something like, “I think she needs to eat,” I was met with comments like, “Oh, I’m sure she’s fine” or “She’ll let you know when she’s hungry.” I wanted to scream.

Then there was a moment that really took me by surprise. I’d asked that no one kiss my baby on the face—a simple request, right? And yet, I watched as a family member leaned in to kiss her on the cheek. I wasn’t sure if I was more shocked or angry, but it was enough to break my trust, at least for the moment. It wasn’t even my side of the family, so I didn’t speak up right away. But after that, I found myself feeling a lot more closed off to the idea of anyone holding her at family gatherings. It was a gut-wrenching realization, and I hated that it came to this. But it was a boundary that felt non-negotiable.

Not too long ago, my baby was clearly getting hungry. She was fussy, showing little signs of tiredness, and I gently tried to signal to a family member that I needed her back. But instead of handing her over, the response was, “She’s fine, I can calm her down.” My body tensed. I wanted to shout, “I’m her mom, I know what she needs.” But I didn’t. I didn’t want to overreact, even though inside, I was burning with frustration.

In that moment, I realized that I’m here to protect her—to meet her needs in a way that no one else can. There’s a visceral reaction I have when she’s hungry or upset. It’s a mother’s instinct. In those moments, I’m not concerned with politeness or being accommodating. I just want to meet her needs, and only I know how to do that in those moments. It’s not about being selfish; it’s about fulfilling the unique bond we share.

One of the ways I’ve learned to cope with this situation is by baby-wearing. It’s honestly been a life-saver. Keeping her close gives me a sense of control, especially in crowded or overwhelming social situations. The problem, though, is that I can’t feed her in the carrier. So, during longer family events, people often take this as an opportunity to “help” by holding her for me. Even when she’s peacefully asleep in the carrier, it’s like she’s public property. I’ll say something like, “I think she’s getting hungry, I’ll need to feed her soon,” and suddenly, my boundaries are ignored. “Oh, let us take her so you can rest,” someone will say, as though the fact that I want to hold my own baby doesn’t matter.

It’s like I’m expected to be okay with everyone taking her out of my arms because, well, they’re family, right? But it doesn’t feel okay. It feels like I’m losing control of a situation that should be mine to manage. I know it sounds selfish. I know people just want to be close to her, and they think they’re helping. But sometimes, it feels like no one’s considering me—the mother who’s been with her every moment of her life so far.

I don’t want to sound ungrateful or unreasonable. But I also don’t want to ignore what feels right for me and what feels right for her. There’s no manual for these emotions, and I know I’m not the only one feeling this way.

To the parents out there who feel the same: You’re not alone. It’s okay to want to keep your baby close, even if it feels “selfish.” You’re not being unreasonable when you want to meet your baby’s needs yourself, even if that means politely but firmly setting boundaries with family. It’s natural to want to protect your baby, to guard that bond, and to preserve those moments when you’re the one who knows exactly what they need.

So, here’s what I’ve learned: It’s okay to say no. It’s okay to protect your space and your baby’s space, especially in the early months. It’s okay to assert yourself—even if that means pushing back against family dynamics that feel a little too invasive. And most importantly, it’s okay to lean into your instincts, even when they don’t align with the expectations of others. In the end, you’re the expert on your child. Trust yourself, trust your boundaries, and know that it’s normal to feel protective, possessive, and yes, even a little selfish when it comes to your baby’s needs.

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