The Journey of Baby Independence: Navigating the Separation-Individuation Process
As parents, one of the most amazing—and sometimes challenging—things we get to witness is how our babies grow and change. It feels like just yesterday they were nestled in our arms, and now they’re starting to explore the world on their own terms. Between six and nine months, your baby will undergo a significant developmental leap that’s all about growing into their own unique self. This process can feel bittersweet, but it’s a crucial part of their emotional growth. Let’s talk about how this new sense of independence takes shape and how you can support your little one through this exciting phase.
The Big “Aha!” Moment: Recognizing That They Are Separate
Up until around six months, your baby likely experienced the world as a bit of a blur, with their own needs and feelings not really distinct from the world around them. Everything was interwoven—their hunger, their discomfort, their need for closeness—all of it felt like part of the same experience. But then, as they hit the six-month mark, something shifts.
Babies start to realize they are separate beings from the people around them, particularly their parents. This is a huge developmental milestone. They begin to recognize their own body and the boundaries of “self” versus “other.” Your baby is no longer floating in a sea of undifferentiated feelings. They can now sense things like “hungry” or “tired” as distinct experiences. They may start to express preferences too—like wanting a specific toy or to be picked up by a particular person, typically the parent they’ve formed the strongest attachment to.
While it’s thrilling to watch your baby begin to understand their independence, it can also be a little emotional. They may cry when they can’t see you or when you leave the room. This reaction is a natural result of their new sense of self. They now know they are separate from you—and that can make the absence of you feel like something big. So, when you leave, even if it’s just for a few moments, it can be anxiety-inducing for them.
The Rise of Separation Anxiety: It’s All About Object Permanence
Around the same time your baby is beginning to understand they’re their own little person, they are also developing something called “object permanence.” This means they can now hold an image of you in their mind, even when you’re not physically there. So, when you leave the room, they can remember you exist, but they don’t quite understand that you’ll be back. This is where separation anxiety often peaks.
Your baby might cry, cling to you, or feel hesitant to be with anyone else. It’s not that they don’t trust others, it’s just that they’re deeply bonded to you, their primary caregiver, and the idea of you being gone—without knowing when you’ll return—can feel unsettling. While this phase can be tough, it’s actually a sign of healthy emotional attachment. Your baby is learning to form deeper connections and is realizing how important you are to their sense of security.
Creating a Secure Base for Exploration
As your baby gains independence, they’re also learning about their surroundings and testing their new abilities. Around this time, babies start exploring their environment more, reaching for toys, crawling, and generally becoming more curious. This period is essential for their emotional and cognitive development, but they will still look to you as their safe base. You might notice them playing nearby but constantly checking in with you, ensuring you’re still there.
This mix of curiosity and clinginess is normal. It’s their way of asserting their independence while also needing the reassurance that you’re there when they need you. This balancing act—between wanting to explore and needing to be close to you—marks an important part of the separation-individuation process.
Nurturing Independence: My Personal Journey
Watching my baby girl grow into her own little person has been one of the most beautiful and challenging experiences of my life. Around the time she was a little over five months old, I noticed something new—she would cry whenever I left the room. At first, I thought she was just being fussy, but then I realized she was starting to understand she’s separate from me.
Understanding that this was a developmental milestone didn’t make it any less heartbreaking. I remember thinking about how her world was so small, and in that moment, all she understood was that I had left. In a strange way, it also made me realize how much I had gotten used to thinking of her as a part of me too.
To help her adjust to this new awareness, I started making small changes. One of the first things I did was play peekaboo while I showered. I’d set her on a blanket on the bathroom floor, pop out from behind the curtain, and make her giggle. It became our little game and helped her understand that even if I disappeared for a second, I was always coming back.
We also started practicing baby sign language early on, around two months. I’d hold up one finger and say “one second” every time I left the room to grab something. It felt silly at first, but over time, it became a cue she could understand. I think those short bursts of leaving and returning made it easier for her to handle longer separations later.
Lastly, we developed a goodbye routine. Every time I had to leave her, we’d share a big hug, one big kiss, and a “shower” of kisses that left her laughing. That laughter was my way of making the goodbye feel lighter and less scary for her.
Looking back, these small efforts made a big difference—for both of us. As hard as it was to see her cry at first, it was also a reminder of how deeply connected we were. Helping her through those moments not only eased her anxiety but also strengthened our bond!
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How to Support Your Baby Through This Phase
While this stage can feel challenging at times, there are many ways you can help your baby feel secure as they navigate their growing independence.
- Be Present and Consistent: Your baby is learning that you are a reliable source of care. Be present for them when they need you, and make sure to follow through on your promises. If you say you’ll be back, make sure you return. Over time, they’ll learn to trust that you will always come back, even if they’re upset when you leave.
- Validate Their Feelings: When your baby gets upset, it can be easy to feel like you’re doing something wrong. But the truth is, separation anxiety is part of healthy emotional development. Acknowledge their feelings by saying something like, “I see that you’re sad that I’m leaving, but I will be back in a little bit.” This helps your baby feel seen and understood.
- Establish a Goodbye Ritual: A quick and loving goodbye ritual can help your baby feel more comfortable when you leave. Whether it’s a special hug, a kiss, or a favorite toy that only comes out when it’s time for you to go, creating a predictable routine can ease the transition. Avoid sneaking out without saying goodbye—though it might seem like an easy solution, it often leaves your baby feeling more confused and upset.
- Play “Peekaboo”: Simple games like peekaboo are great for teaching your baby about object permanence. When you cover your face and reveal it, you’re demonstrating that even if they can’t see you, you’re still there. You can also try hiding toys under a cloth and revealing them to reinforce this concept.
- Give Them Time with Other Caregivers: As your baby learns that they are separate from you, they’ll also start to form attachments with other important people in their lives. Gradually introduce your baby to trusted caregivers and allow them to build their own connections. Start with short separations and increase the time away slowly. This helps them learn that other people are also sources of care and comfort.
- Be Patient: Remember that separation anxiety is a phase, not a permanent state. It may last a few weeks, or even a few months, but eventually, your baby will learn that separations are just temporary. Until then, offer lots of comfort, patience, and reassurance.
Final Thoughts
As hard as it may feel at times to leave your baby or see them upset, remember that this is all part of their emotional and cognitive growth. Over time, they’ll come to understand that you can leave but always return, and that they can explore the world confidently because you’ll be there when they need you.
This stage of development is crucial for forming a strong sense of self and understanding how relationships work. Babies are not only learning that they are separate from you, but they are also learning how to navigate the world as independent individuals while still relying on you as a secure base.
The path to independence can be a winding road filled with emotions for both you and your baby, but it’s a beautiful journey. And remember, you’re not alone in this. Every parent goes through it, and we’re all figuring it out together—one step, one hug, and one reassuring smile at a time.
Stay patient, be kind to yourself, and trust that your baby’s newfound independence is something they’ll carry with them as they grow, explore, and become their own person.
References
- https://www.healthyparentshealthychildren.ca/im-a-parent/older-babies-6-12-months/growing-learning-together-2
- https://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/health/healthyliving/child-development-3-six-to-nine-months
- https://www.childrensdayton.org/the-hub/lets-talk-about-object-permanence
- https://raisingchildren.net.au/babies/development/development-tracker-3-12-months/6-7-months
- https://blog.lovevery.com/skills-stages/object-permanence/
- https://www.captvreimagination.com/post/when-you-re-baby-leaves-the-nest-separation-individuation-at-a-glance
- https://psychologyfanatic.com/separation-individuation-theory-of-child-development/
- https://learning-theories.com/separation-individuation-theory-of-child-development-mahler.html#google_vignette
- https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC4215949/
