The French Approach to Parenting: How to Raise Independent Kids and Find Balance

When it comes to raising children, there’s no one-size-fits-all approach. Every culture has its own unique philosophies, traditions, and strategies when it comes to nurturing the next generation. As a parent myself, I’ve always been fascinated by how different parenting styles shape kids’ behaviors, independence, and resilience. One of the most intriguing styles I’ve encountered is French parenting.

Now, I know what you might be thinking: “But what does French parenting even mean?” Don’t worry, you’re not alone. French parenting isn’t about some secret formula or a rigid rulebook—it’s more about balance, boundaries, and helping children grow into independent, well-adjusted individuals. So, let’s dive in and take a closer look at some of the key principles of French parenting, and how you can apply them to your own family life without feeling overwhelmed.

“Children are the messengers of the wisdom of an ancient world.”
– Pierre Rabhi

1. Let Kids Work Out Their Issues on Their Own

It’s natural for parents to want to swoop in and fix everything for their kids. After all, we love them, and it feels good to solve their problems. But in French households, there’s a strong emphasis on giving children the space to handle their own conflicts. When kids argue, they aren’t always expected to run to an adult to settle things. Instead, parents encourage them to figure it out themselves.

This doesn’t mean you should let your child be completely unsupervised in the face of serious conflict. But by encouraging them to work through their issues independently, you’re fostering resilience, problem-solving skills, and emotional intelligence.

• Tip: Next time your kids are bickering, give them a few moments to sort it out before stepping in. You might be surprised at how often they come up with a solution on their own.

2. Create Structure, But Allow Room for Freedom

One of the key tenets of French parenting is the idea of balance—between structure and freedom. French parents typically have set routines for meals, bedtime, and activities. There’s a firm expectation that kids will follow these routines, but beyond that, there’s plenty of room for personal expression and autonomy.

For example, meals in France are a structured event. There’s no snacking between meals, and kids are expected to eat what’s put in front of them (even if that means trying raw fish eggs or unfamiliar flavors). But French parents also give their children the freedom to make decisions about their hobbies and interests, without pushing them into overly-scheduled lives.

• Tip: Establish a few firm routines at home, but also allow your child to have input on how their day is structured. Maybe they choose what activity to do after school or help decide what’s for dinner.

“Children learn to live not through what we tell them, but through what we show them.”
– Gaston Bachelard

3. Say “No” And Mean It

As parents, it’s easy to fall into the trap of saying “yes” to keep the peace. But in French parenting, saying “no” is seen as a necessary part of setting boundaries. French kids are taught that their desires aren’t always going to be met, and learning to cope with disappointment is an important part of growing up.

This doesn’t mean French parents are authoritarian or harsh—they simply value consistency. When they say “no,” it’s non-negotiable, and kids are expected to respect it. And because French parents are clear and firm, they don’t have to deal with endless tantrums or pleading.

• Tip: Practice saying “no” confidently. It’s hard at first, especially if your child’s big eyes or pleas are tugging at your heartstrings. But stand firm, and know that your child will learn valuable lessons in patience and respect.

4. Foster Independence and Self-Regulation

French children are encouraged to be independent from a very young age. Whether it’s cleaning up their toys, setting the table, or deciding what to wear, kids are given age-appropriate responsibilities and the opportunity to make choices. This autonomy isn’t about being “left to their own devices,” but rather about fostering a sense of self-reliance.

In fact, in France, children often have chores that are just part of everyday life—not tied to allowance or rewards. It’s simply expected that they contribute to the household.

• Tip: Give your kids responsibilities around the house, even if it feels like it would be easier to just do it yourself. This helps them develop a sense of accountability and pride in their contributions.

“Raising a child is giving them the freedom to grow while offering them an education.”
– Françoise Dolto

5. Be Calm and Consistent in Discipline

French parents tend to be firm but calm when it comes to discipline. Instead of shouting or giving in to emotions, they use a steady, clear tone to express what’s acceptable and what’s not. If a child misbehaves in public, you won’t see a French parent lose their cool. Instead, they might quietly but firmly say, “Ça suffit!” (That’s enough!) and calmly remove the child from the situation.

This doesn’t mean they don’t care about their kids’ emotions—it simply reflects a belief that children need to learn how to regulate themselves without constant emotional reactions from their parents.

• Tip: Next time you find yourself raising your voice, try taking a deep breath and responding calmly. It can be hard, especially when you’re tired or frustrated, but your child will learn to respect your authority more when you remain composed.

6. Don’t Make Parenting Your Whole Identity

In France, there’s a saying: “In France, you are a woman first, and a mother second.” While this may sound shocking to some, it speaks to the French belief that parents (especially mothers) should have their own lives and identities outside of their roles as caregivers. French parents are encouraged to carve out time for themselves—whether it’s for a date night, a hobby, or just some quiet alone time.

This is not to say that French parents neglect their children, but rather that they believe it’s important to maintain a balance between family life and personal fulfillment. When you take care of your own needs, you can be a more patient, engaged, and joyful parent.

• Tip: Schedule regular “me time” for yourself, whether it’s a quiet morning with coffee or an evening out with your partner. You’ll find that you return to your parenting duties with renewed energy and patience.

7. Model Respect and Manners

From a young age, French children are taught the importance of good manners. They say “bonjour” (hello), “merci” (thank you), and “s’il vous plaît” (please) because it’s expected—not just in a formal sense, but as a way to show respect for others. Kids are also expected to wait their turn and listen when adults are talking.

The focus isn’t just on following rules but on understanding the importance of respect in social relationships. And interestingly, while French kids are taught to be polite, they’re not expected to be silent, docile beings—they’re encouraged to think, express opinions, and engage in discussions.

• Tip: Reinforce politeness and respect in your home by making sure your kids greet others, say please and thank you, and listen attentively when others are speaking.

8. Embrace the “Pause” for Self-Soothe

This one might surprise you, but French parents are big fans of the “pause.” When babies cry or wake up during the night, rather than rushing in immediately to soothe them, parents let them self-soothe. The idea is that babies learn to calm themselves, which leads to better sleep habits down the line. This concept also extends to the way children are raised—they are given space to figure things out for themselves, learning both independence and resilience.

• Tip: If your baby is crying, wait a minute before rushing in. This gives them a chance to self-soothe, which can help both you and your baby develop better sleep routines.

My Personal Take

I love all of these lessons from the French, but the thing that resonates with me the most is the idea of treating babies like tiny humans rather than just babies. There’s something empowering about recognizing that even our littlest ones are capable of handling certain things on their own. French parents embrace this philosophy from the very start, allowing babies the space to self-soothe and experience frustration as a normal part of growing up. This respect for a child’s ability to manage small struggles builds resilience and helps them develop a stronger sense of independence.

This concept is something I also wish my parents would have done with me. Looking back, I can see how much I would have benefited from being given more room to struggle through difficult tasks on my own. It’s an easy trap to fall into, wanting to swoop in and fix everything for our kids, but I’ve come to realize that overcoming challenges on their own is crucial for their emotional growth.

Of course, it’s easier said than done! I fully expect that, when the time comes, I’ll have moments where I’ll want to step in and solve the problem for them. But I hope I’ll learn to stand strong on the sidelines and let my kids experience the personal growth that comes from overcoming those small battles on their own. After all, it’s through those little struggles that they learn their greatest lessons in resilience, patience, and perseverance. And while it might be tough for me in the moment, I know it will benefit them in the long run.

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Practical Tips for Incorporating French Parenting into Your Life

1. Say No, and Stick to It: Teach your child that “no” means “no.” Avoid giving in just to stop the whining.
2. Encourage Independence: Let your kids take responsibility for age-appropriate tasks, from setting the table to picking out their clothes.
3. Meal Time is Family Time: Don’t let snacking become a free-for-all. Make meals a sit-down event, where everyone eats the same thing and enjoys the time together.
4. Model Calm Discipline: Instead of reacting to tantrums, remain calm and firm. Use a steady voice to reinforce boundaries.
5. Make Time for Yourself: Remember that taking care of yourself helps you take better care of your family. Schedule regular “me-time.”
6. Foster Respect and Manners: Encourage politeness, listening skills, and empathy in your children from an early age.
7. Embrace the Pause: Give your kids space to self-soothe and work through problems on their own.

Final Thoughts

Ultimately, French parenting isn’t about being perfect—it’s about finding the right balance between structure and freedom, love and discipline. As parents, we don’t have to do everything for our kids. We can guide them, encourage them, and, most importantly, give them the space to grow and develop into confident, capable individuals.

Remember, there’s no perfect way to parent, but we can always learn from others, adapt their approaches, and make them our own. Here’s to raising kids who are not only well-behaved but also independent, self-assured, and kind.

References

• https://frenchtogether.com/french-parenting/
• https://theglobalsocialite.wordpress.com/2012/02/07/the-principles-of-french-parenting/
• https://powerofmoms.com/are-you-parenting-the-french-way/
• https://lebebeplus.com/blogs/le-bebe-blog/why-french-children-behave-better
• https://www.marieclaire.co.uk/life/living-france-reshaped-parenting-666490
• https://www.drhilaryclaire.com/blog/my-notes-on-a-book-bringing-up-bebe
• https://www.rd.com/list/french-parenting/
• https://truthforteachers.com/bringing-up-bebe/
• https://www.expatica.com/fr/living/family/french-parenting-663888/
• https://lingocircle.com/13-french-parenting-techniques/
• https://www.businessinsider.com/french-vs-american-parenting-style-differences-2024-2
• https://www.scholastic.com/parents/family-life/parent-hacks/how-do-french-parent.html